Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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