Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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