if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
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