why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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