Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
