So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
