I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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