She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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