you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Randomize
