i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
