I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Randomize
