The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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