Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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