im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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