can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I deserve this hangover.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
