I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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