Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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