You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
