What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
