Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
