I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
