I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
