yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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