If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
