its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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