You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
