the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
