if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
