im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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