my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
