Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
