He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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