I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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