He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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