I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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