I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
