just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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