These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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