I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
