god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
