God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
