he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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