i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize