New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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