How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
