im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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