I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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