y did u give ur computer a hand job?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
