so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
