You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
