my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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