maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
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