Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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