I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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