She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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