i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
