Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
