When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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