The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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