I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just pee around me
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
