party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
