Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize