The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
