my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
