I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
