your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
