I think I am morally bankrupt
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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