the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
