Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
