my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize